Having published a memoir (and you would get this, Bri), it's like people think that nothing is off limits. There's a bit of an 'I can ask you anything' mentality and some people just do not know how to 'do a boundary'. I'm a very private person (I know - writing a memoir sounds antithetical), and while I do share some of my family and my dog daughter on IG, it's reasonably generic stuff.
I've been super fortunate that people have been kind, gentle and that they've respected my boundaries and have been mindful of what questions they can ask. There's some confronting sh*t in my book (literal shit, actually), so I understand people wanting to know just that little bit more. But when we put up a boundary (when I say 'we', I mean women) we often get savaged for it. Yes, I've written a memoir, but there is *so* much people don't know because I have a private life. I like that I still have things just for me.
So true! I interviewed lots of memoirists for my podcast back in the day, and I was often really wary of suddenly bringing up traumatic chapters -- things that were written down felt sacred on the page and strange to prod at in conversation. I also understand the dichotomy between privacy and yet writing really openly -- i think that's what writers do. They are brave on the page but really need to feel safe physically.
Yes, to all of this! I'm happy to answer any questions because I'm able to go to those dark places, but there are memoirists who can't and (rightfully) won't because dredging up the trauma they've already spent years writing about is emotionally harmful.
People tend to think you're 'fair game' when you've written a memoir because you're sharing your life with the world, but you're really not. You're sharing parts of your life, and that dichotomy you speak of is a delicate balance. Thanks, Emma :)
She spoke about this really eloquently in this podcast interview I listened to today - “Sally Rooney Thinks Career Growth is Overrated” from NYT’s The Interview podcast
Loved this piece Emma so well articulated. I think as a reader I do often find podcasts or articles about the author or specific book useful to help me process the fiction or non- fiction I have read. I agree that I'm thoroughly disinterested in whether the author has "mined" their life for the story (because of course they have). I kind of think of it like it's own art and a bit like song lyrics. It really is the emphasis you put on parts of a song or how you might relate art to your own life or experience. Maybe Rooney and Chapell Roan are pushing back and making the audience really enjoy the art on its own without the exploitation that often comes with the artist or "celebrity".
I found this really useful, thanks for writing and sharing it. I think the tide of discernment is turning somewhat perhaps? I wrote and published a very personal memoir because I felt (at the time) I really wanted to help others who had been in the same boat. I'd looked for a book that would show me it would be ok, but only found books about misery on this topic. So thought sod it I'll write it then, the book I felt I needed at the time. I have to say I still (some 7 years later) worry I've put a little too much of myself on those pages. Despite receiving some lovely feedback from other survivors about how much my book had helped them. I felt both courageous and vulnerable in equal measure I guess as Brene Brown says the two kinda go hand in hand together.
When we're looking to other's personal stories, isn't it more a symptom of our aloneness and the dismantling of the fake world that's needs (we especially women have been told we need to occupy) if we're to belong, that we're also secretly searching to find other women like ourselves and their normal stories so we can realise ourselves as good enough in others? Perhaps there just wasn't enough variety in the stories we were told about being a successful whole woman?
I'm waffling. I really enjoyed reading this and it's got my brain whirring as you can see....so thanks, be interesting to see who discernment - what we share, overshare, choose not to share changes in this next evolution of humans...
Thank you for this content. I have some formatting feedback/a question. I read and enjoy news and reviews on my android and there are circular gifs that flash from blue to orange dotted throughout the posts. They are quite pixelated and large and their presence makes it harder for me to read the text, like i need to cover them with my hand or scroll them off screen to be able to read without the sensory distraction. Is this normal 🫠 ?
Thank you Emma! This was the perfect piece to read after listening to the New York Times Daily podcast episode with Sally Rooney that just came out on Saturday! It is curious that one might feel a little closer to an author after reading about their lives, or knowing their views, and I know that sometimes it helps me better understand the book. But no one has a right to your inner thoughts except you. And we can all live with (and enjoy!) reading a book where we don’t really know anything about the author, because the point is to read the book and form our own view. I imagine it must be so draining to constantly rehash those thoughts when it’s the work you’ve done that is what you’re there to talk about! I think setting those boundaries is brilliant :) and look forward to seeing your next book out!
Yes! I read the NYT interview (after I'd filed this piece) (is the interview a transcript of the podcast, or different?) and thought it was interesting how Rooney said she doesn't read biographies of writers, how disinterested she is in their personal lives and I thought she explained it very well. I understand why the interviewer kept probing her, but I loved how much she pushed back.
Haha yes!! I think it must have been a transcript of the conversation!
I thought that was so interesting too - how does she describe it? A mental resistance to reading biography? And that seemed to come back to the fact that she just considers herself to be very boring beyond her writing (lol) so why would anyone be interested in what she has to say other than on the page?
Perhaps it's specific to novelists who only write fiction, wouldn't you say? For people who write non-fiction, I guess I am interested in their lives outside (all genders) and their cultural recommendations. I'm not so much interested in Rooney's 'personal life' but I'd love to know what she's reading.. xo
Having published a memoir (and you would get this, Bri), it's like people think that nothing is off limits. There's a bit of an 'I can ask you anything' mentality and some people just do not know how to 'do a boundary'. I'm a very private person (I know - writing a memoir sounds antithetical), and while I do share some of my family and my dog daughter on IG, it's reasonably generic stuff.
I've been super fortunate that people have been kind, gentle and that they've respected my boundaries and have been mindful of what questions they can ask. There's some confronting sh*t in my book (literal shit, actually), so I understand people wanting to know just that little bit more. But when we put up a boundary (when I say 'we', I mean women) we often get savaged for it. Yes, I've written a memoir, but there is *so* much people don't know because I have a private life. I like that I still have things just for me.
So true! I interviewed lots of memoirists for my podcast back in the day, and I was often really wary of suddenly bringing up traumatic chapters -- things that were written down felt sacred on the page and strange to prod at in conversation. I also understand the dichotomy between privacy and yet writing really openly -- i think that's what writers do. They are brave on the page but really need to feel safe physically.
Yes, to all of this! I'm happy to answer any questions because I'm able to go to those dark places, but there are memoirists who can't and (rightfully) won't because dredging up the trauma they've already spent years writing about is emotionally harmful.
People tend to think you're 'fair game' when you've written a memoir because you're sharing your life with the world, but you're really not. You're sharing parts of your life, and that dichotomy you speak of is a delicate balance. Thanks, Emma :)
She spoke about this really eloquently in this podcast interview I listened to today - “Sally Rooney Thinks Career Growth is Overrated” from NYT’s The Interview podcast
I read the written NYT interview piece and loved it!
Loved this piece Emma so well articulated. I think as a reader I do often find podcasts or articles about the author or specific book useful to help me process the fiction or non- fiction I have read. I agree that I'm thoroughly disinterested in whether the author has "mined" their life for the story (because of course they have). I kind of think of it like it's own art and a bit like song lyrics. It really is the emphasis you put on parts of a song or how you might relate art to your own life or experience. Maybe Rooney and Chapell Roan are pushing back and making the audience really enjoy the art on its own without the exploitation that often comes with the artist or "celebrity".
Really enjoyed reading this, thank you.
Thanks Zara ❤️
I found this really useful, thanks for writing and sharing it. I think the tide of discernment is turning somewhat perhaps? I wrote and published a very personal memoir because I felt (at the time) I really wanted to help others who had been in the same boat. I'd looked for a book that would show me it would be ok, but only found books about misery on this topic. So thought sod it I'll write it then, the book I felt I needed at the time. I have to say I still (some 7 years later) worry I've put a little too much of myself on those pages. Despite receiving some lovely feedback from other survivors about how much my book had helped them. I felt both courageous and vulnerable in equal measure I guess as Brene Brown says the two kinda go hand in hand together.
When we're looking to other's personal stories, isn't it more a symptom of our aloneness and the dismantling of the fake world that's needs (we especially women have been told we need to occupy) if we're to belong, that we're also secretly searching to find other women like ourselves and their normal stories so we can realise ourselves as good enough in others? Perhaps there just wasn't enough variety in the stories we were told about being a successful whole woman?
I'm waffling. I really enjoyed reading this and it's got my brain whirring as you can see....so thanks, be interesting to see who discernment - what we share, overshare, choose not to share changes in this next evolution of humans...
Thank you for this content. I have some formatting feedback/a question. I read and enjoy news and reviews on my android and there are circular gifs that flash from blue to orange dotted throughout the posts. They are quite pixelated and large and their presence makes it harder for me to read the text, like i need to cover them with my hand or scroll them off screen to be able to read without the sensory distraction. Is this normal 🫠 ?
Thank you Emma! This was the perfect piece to read after listening to the New York Times Daily podcast episode with Sally Rooney that just came out on Saturday! It is curious that one might feel a little closer to an author after reading about their lives, or knowing their views, and I know that sometimes it helps me better understand the book. But no one has a right to your inner thoughts except you. And we can all live with (and enjoy!) reading a book where we don’t really know anything about the author, because the point is to read the book and form our own view. I imagine it must be so draining to constantly rehash those thoughts when it’s the work you’ve done that is what you’re there to talk about! I think setting those boundaries is brilliant :) and look forward to seeing your next book out!
Yes! I read the NYT interview (after I'd filed this piece) (is the interview a transcript of the podcast, or different?) and thought it was interesting how Rooney said she doesn't read biographies of writers, how disinterested she is in their personal lives and I thought she explained it very well. I understand why the interviewer kept probing her, but I loved how much she pushed back.
Such a good point! And yes, would absolutely love to know what she’s reading too hehe
Haha yes!! I think it must have been a transcript of the conversation!
I thought that was so interesting too - how does she describe it? A mental resistance to reading biography? And that seemed to come back to the fact that she just considers herself to be very boring beyond her writing (lol) so why would anyone be interested in what she has to say other than on the page?
Perhaps it's specific to novelists who only write fiction, wouldn't you say? For people who write non-fiction, I guess I am interested in their lives outside (all genders) and their cultural recommendations. I'm not so much interested in Rooney's 'personal life' but I'd love to know what she's reading.. xo